Why Me?

"...when the answer to Why Me? changes from pointing blame to defining your purpose." As I continue to talk about mental illness and mental health, some may believe that I am “fixed” or “cured” from my diagnosis of Bipolar Disorder that I received over eight years ago. This is far from the truth, as I attempt to manage my symptoms on a daily basis, even with medication and counseling.

I previously talked about my phase of mania in The Highest of Highs.

The other side of this coin is a state of depression. It is not easy to describe but the first phase that comes to mind is “being in a funk.” Earlier this week I got into this Funk, and was withdrawn from everyone and wanted to be alone with my thoughts.

In this state, “Why?” is a normal part of my thought pattern.

Why can’t I get things right?

Why am I not where I want to be in life?

Why is everything going wrong?

Why me?!

The results of the self-doubt that make up this Funk often include overanalyzing each and every part of my life, pointing out everything that I perceived as negative. It is a vicious cycle of looking at life from the perspective of a glass being half empty instead of half full that can drag on for days, weeks, or even months.

In the past this has not been the best, but this time I was able to channel this energy into my writing (be on the look out for my first book).

I was able to transform the Funk of and self blame-drive "Why me?" thoughts to positive, purpose-driven "Why me?"

Don’t get me wrong, this is not something that is that easy. It took me years to get to this point because I did not address what was really going on and I am far from having all of the answers to avoid the Funk.

Simply being able to write did not solve all of my problems, but it was an outlet. Additionally, my brother physically challenged me to a 6-mile hike in the mountains.

So you can say this week I was able to win two battles that allows me to be stronger in fighting this war.

What are some things that help you get out of your Funk?

“Nothing is wrong with me!”

Fear. Ego. Ignorance. Stigma. Those were the things that made me “believe” that I didn’t have a problem when nothing in my life seemed to be going right. I constantly told myself “this can’t be life”. Unable to concentrate on any one thing, I sat in the same spot for hours. Feeling alone. Feeling confused. Feeling that no one could understand what I was going through and that no one really cared. Frustrations increased as those who attempted to lend a helping hand were ineffective, while alcohol and other drugs enabled me to momentarily ease the pain by altering my state of mind…reinforcing the belief that “Nothing is wrong with me!”. However, this was a lie.

Fear. Ego. Ignorance. Stigma.

Psychological disorders are not new and affect millions on a daily basis. Unfortunately, these four characteristics result in stories similar to the one I described above.

Fear…of the hit that my ego may experience when I admit that something is wrong. Leaving me vulnerable for others to make assumptions based on stigmas associated with psychological disorders that are mainly rooted from ignorance.

Ego…controlled many of my actions that would not allow me to succumb to fear my symptoms and promoted my ignorance by not educating myself about my experiences.

Ignorance…about how many people deal with many of the same issues, but many think that psychological disorders only affect certain populations.

Stigma…on who should seek and receive help.

These factors contributed to the wait I endured before seeking help. I learned that mental health issues must be acknowledged first and then addressed with the necessary treatment.  Unfortunately, some people never acknowledge their issue and never receive treatment before something drastic happens. I choose to share my experiences with hopes of preventing this fate for at least one person.